March Founder’s Corner: The Habit of Over-Caring and the Art of Saying No

Ever feel like you’re caring too much, especially when others around you seem care-less? In our modern, fast-paced society, many of us fall into the traps of over-caring and people-pleasing. While these behaviors may come from a place of kindness and empathy, they often lead to neglecting our own needs—especially when it comes to nourishing our bodies, minds, and souls. This is particularly challenging for people who are in constant care-giving capacities (helping loved ones and/or working in the healthcare industry). This behavior is also true for those of us raised in households where it was made clear that caring for others (before ourselves) is the socially and morally correct path to take. This article explores how people-pleasing habits develop, why they impact our well-being, and offers insights and strategies to reclaim balance and self-nourishment.

The People-Pleasing Paradox

The science behind people-pleasing behavior is complex and multifaceted, drawing on insights from psychology and neuroscience. According to attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby (1988) and Mary Ainsworth (1989), children who experience conditional love — where affection is tied to behavior — may learn to equate pleasing others with receiving love and security. This could be a pattern passed from one generation to the next where ultimately, children learn to feel a sense of happiness only so far as the external world validates their good behavior. As a result, children begin to feel the happiest when others praise their generous actions, creating a trap in which the child cares for the needs of outside parties in order to have a perceived sense of worth or self-value. This conditioning can set the stage for people-pleasing habits later in life, as individuals seek to recreate that same sense of self-worth through external approval.

Furthermore, the research suggests that people-pleasing is more than just a desire to help others, but rather is a complex emotional pattern rooted in the fear of rejection and a need for external validation. As Dr. Harriet B. Braiker (1991) shares in her book, The Disease to Please, “People-pleasers operate on the mistaken assumption that they must constantly do things for others in order to be loved and accepted.” That is, I am only as lovable in relation to how much I can give. Consequently, adults who have learned to focus on external cues for self-validation may be driven to overcommit, say yes when they really want to say no, and sacrifice their own needs.

Thus, as we dig even just skin deep into this complex, over-caring pattern of behavior, the paradox of people-pleasing begins to emerge. The more we please others and seek to make others happy, the less we potentially seek to care for our own selves. Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter (2011) reinforces this, observing that “People-pleasers tend to neglect their own needs and emotions because they are too focused on making others happy.” The result? A gradual erosion of our self-worth, leaving us physically and emotionally depleted.

The Hidden Toll on Self-Nourishment

When our energy is devoted entirely to others, our own nourishment suffers. Neglecting self-care might mean skipping meals, choosing convenience over balanced nutrition, or sacrificing rest and relaxation—all of which are critical to our overall health. I can use myself as a good example. As a psychologist who harps about the importance of self-care and self-love, it is an interesting observation to discover how difficult it has become for me to make my own doctor’s appointments or keep up with medical advice. In fact, at some point, I have had to enlist the help of my husband to make phone calls on my behalf, or appointments with my doctors simply would not happen. Furthermore, in talking to my colleagues and others who tend to live in what I call the Land of Cares-a-lot, I know I am not alone. In fact, many of us have confirmed that a lack of proper self-nourishment can lead to physical fatigue, emotional burnout, and mental cloudiness. Without balanced nutrition and rest, our bodies struggle to function at their best. Continually prioritizing others’ needs can leave us feeling emotionally drained and vulnerable. Furthermore, poor self-nourishment can lead to decreased concentration, increased stress, and a diminished sense of clarity.

In short, neglecting our own needs not only affects our physical health but also undermines our ability to engage fully with life. Certainly, the tipping point leads to the lack of energy, interest and care in helping others as well.

The Empowerment of Saying No

So, what is the antidote to people-pleasing? There are several important ways we can transform the over-caring tendencies into actions of self-nourishment.  First, we must truly agree it is time to learn how to set healthy boundaries—most importantly, to master the power of saying “no.” Dr. Brené Brown (2010), a renowned researcher on vulnerability and shame, states, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Dr. Brown argues that setting boundaries is KIND, while not setting boundaries is unkind. That is, establishing boundaries is a gentle way of caring for ourselves and those around us; without them, we risk causing inadvertent hurt to ourselves and others.

This can be difficult when we struggle to say “no.” I have worked with many parents who have young children, and they describe the challenge of belonging to what I call the Yes Club, the club that struggles to set healthy limits and boundaries with their kids. If a “no” is needed, it is often followed with the words, “I’m sorry,” as if the statement of “no” is an infection, rejection, or abandonment of their child’s basic needs. However, saying “no” is not a rejection of others, not at all; it is a declaration of self-respect. Dr. Susan Newman (2005), author of The Book of No, emphasizes that when you say “no” with intention, you communicate honesty and clarity, preventing resentment and fostering healthier relationships. In contrast, Dr. Newman argues that “Saying “yes” when you want to say “no” can lead to burnout, stress, and even resentment toward the very people you’re trying to please.” Quite the paradox, wouldn’t you agree? Equipping ourselves with the courage to say “no” allows us to reclaim our time and energy—resources that can be redirected toward nourishing our own well-being.

Dr. Sunita Sah (2022), in her groundbreaking book Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes, takes this concept further by challenging the cultural norms that equate compliance with worth. She writes, “Saying no is an act of defiance against a culture that equates compliance with value, and a declaration that your time and energy are worth more than the demands placed on them.” Dr. Sah’s research examines the pervasive pressures that lead individuals to comply with requests or expectations, even when such compliance may be detrimental to their well-being. She specifically explores how compliance in the medical world can have devastating impact on patient care.

After listening to a recent podcast by Dr. Sah, I was astonished to learn how prevalent compliance can be even when society may disagree with potential outcomes. The podcast had several memories pushing through my mind… moments along my life’s timeline in which I neglected to defy or say no when it was completely appropriate to do so. One such example involved a backpacking trip I took to Europe in 1998. At the age of 22, alone and walking along the cobblestone street in a small town in Italy, I was nearly struck by a car that veered off the narrow street and onto the sidewalk. The driver threw the door open and with great speed began strutting my direction. Within seconds he was upon me and had wrapped his arms around my frame, whirling me around as if we’d been long lost friends. Completely taken aback, frightened, and culturally stupefied, my barely audible voice said, “Wait, please, set me down.” Not a scream, or a kick to groin. And as he walked our entangled bodies toward his car, professing what sounded like his unabashed love, Amore!, for me, you’d think I’d have struggled. Instead…the story playing in my youthful mind was that I did not want to offend him. I did not want to somehow embarrass or insult the same person that was assaulting me. Truly paradoxical!

Fortunately, the story ended somewhat innocuously. In broken Spanish/Italian I conveyed the message that I needed him to set me down, and he agreed to do so. And luckily the only bruises I received from that day were the ones to my ego. But…why was I so docile and compliant as the man accosted me? Why was I more interested in his feelings than my own? In Dr. Sah’s research, several factors may account for my behavior: 1) the desire for social approval, 2) fear of conflict, 3) cultural conditioning, and 4) perceived obligation. Each of these concepts checks a box for my behavior back in those youthful days. Furthermore, it checks a box today for why many of us in society fail to say “no” or set a necessary boundary. Dr. Sah argues that recognizing and understanding these influences is the first step toward reclaiming one’s autonomy. Further, she advocates for the deliberate practice of defiance—not as acts of rebellion—but as an affirmation of self-respect and authenticity. By learning to say, “no” thoughtfully, individuals can align their actions with their values, leading to more genuine and fulfilling interactions.

Integrating Boundaries with Self-Nourishment

Changing habitual behavior takes time. If you learned early on to self-validate through externalizing and tending too much the needs and feelings of others, it is time to start a new journey. Return from the Land of Cares-a-lot. It is time to engage in self-discovery and interrupt your conditioned training. You don’t have to be over-carers. You can be the generation to say no, engage with healthy defiance and recognize the unique interplay between setting boundaries and nourishing yourself. When you say “no” to external pressures, you say yes to self-care.

The following list includes specific ways you can begin to transform your people-pleasing, over-caring tendencies into lovely acts of self-nourishment.

1. Reflect on Your Priorities: Regularly ask yourself, “Am I nourishing myself when I make this decision, or just nourishing others?”
2. Start Small: Practice setting small boundaries—don’t go big. 1–2-minute practices will do the trick. For example, set an alarm that will go off a few times a day, and remind you to take a deep breath and be mindful.
3. Affirm Your Worth: Remind yourself that your needs are important. Use affirmations that reinforce your right to self-care.
4. Establish Non-Negotiables: Identify key self-care activities that are non-negotiable in your daily routine, whether it’s a healthy breakfast, a brief walk, or a moment of quiet reflection.
5. Create a Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your self-care efforts.
6. Journal: The act of journaling can open up many doors of insight and become a gateway toward self-awareness, and ultimately toward identifying patterns of learned behavior. This is not about guilt or blame about your past, but rather an affirmation of how you were built so that kindness and compassion can grow.

By intertwining the practices of boundary-setting and self-nourishment, you create a virtuous cycle: as you care for yourself, you gain the strength to maintain your boundaries, which in turn allows you to show up more fully in every area of your life. Remember, over-caring and people-pleasing are deeply ingrained responses to societal pressures and personal insecurities, and we can change those responses if we identify their influences. Furthermore, the journey to self-nourishment is a powerful rebellion against these patterns. By embracing the courage to say “no” and prioritizing your well-being, you honor your true worth and lay the groundwork for a balanced, resilient life.

As you move forward, remember that every act of self-care is a statement of self-respect. It’s time to defy the demands of a world that values compliance over individuality, and to nourish yourself fully. While the Land of Cares-A-Lot feels satisfying when others recognize just how good you really are, this satisfaction is brittle and, in some cases, downright dangerous. I say…join me back home within. Join me on this journey of saying yes to ourselves, and no when necessary. Saying “no” isn’t about shutting others out—it’s about finally Letting Ourselves In.

1. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basics Books.
2. Ainsworth, M.D.S. (1989). Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (pp.319-341). Guildford Press.
3. Bourg Carter, S. (2011). Redefining Balance. Psychology Today.
4. Braiker, H. B. (1991). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. HarperCollins.
5. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
6. Newman, S. (2005). The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It-and Mean It- and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. McGraw-Hill.
7. Sah, S. (2022). Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. Dey Street Books.