February Founder’s Corner: Vulnerability — What’s Love Got to Do With It?
February. It’s a month steeped in doilies, mylar heart balloons, and boxes of chocolate. And what the heck does love to have to do with a dozen red roses? As I write this article, pondering just how to examine the topic of L.O.V.E., I catch sight of my 80-pound Aussie Shepard standing vigil outside. His proud snout is in the air, his fur rustling in the mild breeze. His ears are pricked, and his eyes are scanning. He’s our sage protector against the dog-eat-dog world out there, especially since we’ve had multiple sightings of coyotes and bobcats lurking about. However, as soon as he hears the screen door peel back and catches sight of me, he’s lost focus on the far distance and instantly, he’s all bushy-butt wagging, a bundle of mushy love. I am once again surprised by the natural and effervescent way dogs so freely love their people and giving that tenderness without a moment’s hesitation. They don’t seem to possess the common baggage their human counterparts carry. They…just love us. Welcome us. Stand by us. And thus…it is no surprise some of us prefer the company of our furry friends over our human connections.
Love is a great mystery, one that poets and philosophers have written about since the beginning of time. It is perhaps the greatest of life’s puzzles because it reaches beyond logic and reason, both potentially healing wounds we did not know existed while simultaneously opening us to new fears and uncertainties. This duality is beautifully illustrated in the words of poet, Lao Tzu: “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”[1] The writing reminds us that love is both empowering and yet a call to great vulnerability. That is, love has the power to transform and uplift us, while it demands the courage to face the potential heartache of true emotional intimacy. As a result of this duality, it is no surprise that true intimacy is a struggle for most humans to achieve.
At varying degrees, all of us struggle when it comes to love, and even the most open-hearted among us have difficulty feeling states of love. There are many reasons humans must work hard to love one another, especially when trying to love those closest to us. The fact is, the closer the person to our hearts, the greater the risk for hurt. The psychological literature pinpoints many internal fences that prevent us from freely experiencing love. For the purposes of this article, I will focus on ego defenses and fear of vulnerability as common barriers.
For starters, let’s understand the ego’s role in our mental process. The ego, or what I call our “inner bulldog”, aims to protect us from vulnerability. It thrives on self-preservation, control, and validation, often prioritizing these experiences over emotional openness and genuine connection. The ego resists situations that expose our deepest feelings, viewing vulnerability as a threat rather than a gateway to intimacy. It’s that big, fierce bulldog standing at the front gate of your mind protecting us at all costs. Unfortunately, when we avoid vulnerability, we also block love. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown emphasizes the power of vulnerability, stating, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”[2] Those who let the ego take center stage and overshadow their emotional needs may struggle to maintain meaningful relationships.
Furthermore, the ego clings to personal narratives and self-images, which can create resistance to love. If someone sees themselves as fiercely independent or fears being seen as “weak”, they may struggle to accept love fully. In The Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck, love is described as an act of self-extension rather than ego-protection. “Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth,” (Peck, 1978, p. 81)[3]. When the ego takes control, pride and other more destructive emotional responses can surge forth. Pride is that little voice inside that says, “I’m better than you. I don’t need you. You are the problem, not me.” Pride deflects love like a medieval shield, weaponizing our minds from staying open and curious about the views of others, and tells the world, “Stay away from me, because I am dangerous.” Unfortunately, the true danger lurking is the genuine loss of love and connection.
How can we bypass the barriers that deflect our heart’s truest yearning? I believe that the path to experiencing true intimacy is connected to two concepts: first is our ability to authentically love ourselves, and second is our ability to make friends with and learn to tolerate vulnerability.
Loving Ourselves
We can only love others to the degree that we love ourselves. Said another way, we can only feel we are loved by others as deeply as we accept and allow ourselves to be loved. It’s a choice, an active process, to let yourself feel loved. So how does one “allow” love to flow when the ego says, “Heck no! No access to my heart allowed,” you might ask. To by-pass the ego’s protective nature, we need to treat our egos in a similar way that we might treat our furry, four-legged friends. First, we might say to our inner bulldog, “Hey, thanks for being such a great protector! You are amazing at that job, and I know you are only trying to protect me.” Can you see your sweet dog, his or her big eyes staring into yours, just looking for your approval? Your ego needs your kindness. This first step is all about acknowledging the well-intended, pride-filled watchdog within who is only there to make sure we don’t get hurt.
Our second job working with the ego involves setting limits – just as we would with our pup-family members. Real love has boundaries, limits, and clear understandings. Bringing that sweet pooch to mind, we might say to her, “Time to heel (or heal, pun intended), time to listen to me and follow my lead. I’m the boss and I can take care of this.” This step is all about creating mental boundaries and letting the ego know where the line is and who is now in charge. We need to let our ego know our higher observing Self is now in the driver’s seat and mental boundaries are in place. We must work with our thoughts and bring to heel our negative inner voices.
Living with Vulnerability
Feeling vulnerable is an awkward sensation but is the direct link to experiencing true intimacy. In fact, fear and love can almost feel indistinguishable at times. Am I right? Just ask someone who falls in love for the first time, and they will say they are also scared to death! Feeling love means feeling uncertain and maybe scared. To begin living with vulnerability, we must get to know the emotions playing within the heart and tolerate them.
Next, we need to understand the difference between various emotional states -specifically, the difference between primary and secondary emotions. Love and fear, for example, are primary emotions, while pride (an emotion generated by the ego), is a secondary emotion. Our minds are often overcome by secondary emotions set off by feelings of vulnerability. More specifically, when we sense pride stepping up, casting dangerous remarks at those wishing to love us, that is our clue that more complex feelings are rumbling around within us. Fear of loss of independence. Fear of exposure or loss of control. Pride might cast a shadow on how you are really feeling, but this is precisely where you can walk up to that trembling or scared creature within you and say, “Everything is okay, I’m here to protect you. I’ve got you!” This is what Loving the Self and Allowing Vulnerability really means. When you take care of your emotional well-being, redirect your protective thoughts, and tolerate that scary sense of vulnerability, the Self can experience true love.
Love lives on the precipice of vulnerability. It is right on that edge where we must put our armor down and open to uncertainty. It’s that place of courage to trust and be trusted and to freely choose real intimacy, despite the risks.
My dog, Haku, is sitting on my feet as I wrap up this article and take a deep breath. I rub the top of his soft head and smile. “You’re a good friend,” I say out loud as his head lifts and he starts panting. He seems to know the unknown mystery I am attempting to put into words and pushes back onto my leg. Love is complex. Rich. Challenging. To love and be loved is an act of kindness toward one’s Self, and a greater courage for the world around us. This month, may you get to know your own inner bulldog, make friends with him or her, and consider setting your armor down. Consider the ways you keep others from loving you and ways you might show up more authentically.
You are loved. You just need to be courageous enough to feel it.
[1] Lao Tzu. (1988). Chapter 67. In S. Mitchell (Trans.), Tao Te Ching (pp. 82-83). Harper & Row
[2] Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
[3] Peck, M. S. (1978). The road less traveled: A new psychology of love, traditional values, and spiritual growth. Simon & Schuster.