April Founder’s Corner: Stop the World – The Science of Softness and Self-Compassion

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” – Anne Lamott

Have you ever wished the world would just stop—even for a moment—so you could catch your breath? Become Adam Sandner, from the movie, Click, purchase that magical remote control and press the pause button every time you need a break? You know the moment I am talking about: when you need to just get the heck out of the noise, and business, loneliness, or run from (you fill in the black). While our struggles are all different, we all know the challenge: somehow stay hopeful when the storm around us says, Nope! You better run for cover!

As a twenty something woman in the 90s, a dear friend and I went to see a musical at a hole-in-the-wall theater in Carmel. The message from the theatrical production has stayed with me for the better half of 30 years. Stop the World – I Want to Get Off, revolved around a single character, Littlechap, who constantly searches for something more—only to realize, too late, that the moments he rushed through were the very ones that mattered most. At the end of his life, he’s screaming, “Stop the world! I want to get off!” calling the audience into a suspended state of space and time as if you’re at the top of a rollercoaster and it is seconds away from dropping off the edge. The edge of self-worth, vulnerability, or shame prickling up the back of your neck.

We all have our own versions of this story. The feeling that we should be somewhere else, someone else, doing something more. In fact, finding harmony in a harsh world, one in which you constantly feel you are stubbing your toe or worse teetering on the edge, can feel overwhelming. But what if we didn’t have to chase worthiness? What if, instead of trying to outrun our struggles, we simply stopped—not to escape, but to offer ourselves the kindness we so often forget to give?

The Science of Self-Compassion: Pressing Pause on Self-Criticism

Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, describes it as “treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and concern you would offer to a good friend” (Neff, 2011). Self-compassion is the medicine for the inner battle. It’s the ability to actively see we are in pain and then gently snuggle ourselves in for a safe, restorative hug. “Hey there Self, I can see you are struggling and it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Self-compassion shows up on the battlefield of our mind and nudges us to safety.

Unfortunately, many of us believe that being hard on ourselves will push us to do better. Raise your hand if you feel you should be doing more, making more, or climbing harder? We climb and strive, and push and demand. We falsely identify with external goals to increase our sense of self-worth and value, only put ourselves down when we fall short. The truth is, when we criticize ourselves, our brain registers it as a threat, flooding our system with cortisol and keeping us in a state of stress (Gilbert, 2009). Even if rewards come, the stress hormone will often block the awareness of growth we have made. Thus, a vicious cycle of seeking and feeling inadequate sets root, making it nearly impossible to find states of equilibrium or peace. By the time many people make it to my office, and seek help, that edge…is dangerously close. We can feel the shortening vibrations of life and it is ominous.

Two years after I watched the musical, Stop the World! I want to Get Off, my roommate and best friend at the time, passed away. She was 31 years old. She’d been working as a corporate leader in San Francisco and abruptly moved back to Carmel to pursue art. Everyone was aghast! She was a brilliant marketing expert, and she just left it all behind! Interestingly, considering the current context, we met at a flower shop. The room smelled fresh and fragrant. Floral arrangements were being made to send love. Cards were bought and people talked about those they loved. Flower shops have that kind of sweet vibration, the perfect place to find a best friend. Thus, we tumbled into a series of years that I can only describe as the most beautiful days of all my life. In the months shortly before she passed from a quickly progressing cancer, she’d been making hundreds of miniatures, metal figures…all with stances running toward the edge of a cliff. Ironic. Why she left her hugely successful job, came home and entered art school and was making that particular art piece for the exhibit is still a mystery to me. I do know the five years I knew her, she was zesting every moment, as if she unconsciously she knew her life would be cut short. She was running out of time and had no idea. And yet, she lived. I met her. She made art and touched my heart forever.

Somehow, I believe Erika was the living form of self-compassion. She wanted more from her life than just a climb. Somehow, she figured this out before it was too late, and especially because it was going to be, too late. Her life and death set me on a course that I now live, one in which I invite you to join. One in which kindness beats like a sacred drum in the background of your life-steps.

Self-compassion is not only a psychological concept. Engaging with this practice is a brain activity that changes biostructures of your body, engaging the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling that we are safe despite the challenges around us. When we are kind to ourselves, and especially when struggle occurs, we offer a pause to our overthinking brain. In fact, studies show that people who practice self-compassion experience a sustainable sense of self-worth—one that isn’t dependent on success or external validation (Breines & Chen, 2012). This is precisely what I believe Erika found in the years before she died. Self-worth and true passion. When you practice self-compassion, you can actually increase motivation while lowering stress (Neff, Hsieh, & Dejitterat, 2005). This is like truly having a Stop the World Remote Control and rewiring the exact moment you are living. Imagine pressing pause—not on life, but on the inner voice that tells you you’re not enough. And, adding clips to the inner movie that say, “you’ve got this! You are perfect exactly as you are.

Just like Littlechap in Stop the World, we often believe that happiness lies somewhere else. But self-compassion reminds us that we don’t have to chase it—we can find kindness, here and now, within ourselves.

Meditation: The Gentle Art of Stopping

“You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you’re too busy—then you should sit for an hour.” – Zen proverb

Even one deep breath—a single moment of stopping—can change everything.

I invite you to join with me in a short self-compassion meditation. During this 10-minute compassion practice, I will guide you toward a quiet and still place within yourself. Take the time to get as comfortable as you can for this practice and let yourself lean into the space where you can show up exactly as you are. Additionally, nestled within this newsletter, please find an additional poem I wrote and (with help!) turned into a short video pertaining to this same topic of gentle, inner listening.

You Don’t Have to Keep Running

Littlechap spent his life searching, only to realize that the beauty was always in front of him. Truly, self-compassion teaches us the same lesson: we don’t have to keep running. There is nothing to earn, no future moment where you finally become worthy. You are already enough. Right now, just as you are. “Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” – Hermann Hesse

So take a breath. Let yourself stop. The world will keep spinning—but you can choose to meet yourself with kindness, here and now.

References

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.

Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36–43.

MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring the association between self-compassion and depression: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545–552.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.